My last blog post was written nearly eleven months ago, and I want to be completely raw with you all here. In those eleven months, I have gone from thinking I had a grasp on God and his plan and his grace, to nearly losing faith completely, falling out of church, and downward spiraling into the hole of thinking I'm not good enough and am selfish and am worth nothing more than the things I can do for MYSELF and MY life.
Last weekend I attended Motion Student Conference. It's an event orchestrated by Church of the Highlands, and this time last year, had I been invited to Motion, I probably would have turned down that invitation. I despised the idea of a mega church. I was nervous about the thought of thousands of people worshiping God together, and now I'm realizing that maybe it's because I thought in the back of my mind that if something gets that big and makes that much of an impact, are these people really even experiencing anything? Or are they just overwhelmed by the music and the noise and mistake it for the presence of God?
But I was the one mistaken. I thought I had it all figured out, that God's plan for me was to surely make a success of me, to give me everything I ever dreamed of just because I said, "Sure, God, I'll trust you." I had no idea of what it meant to blindly and completely walk in faith with Jesus. And I had no idea that God has a calling for each of us. But hear me out everyone: We are not designed to create our own personal successes and glorify our own personal lives. We are created, fearfully and wonderfully, to listen to our calling that is ALWAYS given to glorify God and impact his people.
Over the course of the weekend, the theme for everyone seemed to be realizing that calling. I watched thousands of students and a number of my close friends realize their calling to missions or ministry, and I thought, "What about me, God? Why don't I feel called to this?" I grew angry at myself because I thought that my selfish ambition and "shallow" passions were preventing me from seeing my true calling. Little did I know, my community group of nine completely different college students, the sermons from Christine Caine and Mark Pettus, and my devotion the following Sunday morning would flip my world upside down.
I had been thinking a lot about ministry. I love to speak to people. I love for people to hear what I have to say and to hear an "amen" every once in a while, but when I think about my talents and my dreams and my passions, I realize that they all seem to have a common theme: cultures that are most seldom reached out to.
The wealthy. Who thinks to reach out to and minister to the rich? To answer your question, not very many people. We so sorrily mistake the outer image of worldly success, wealth and influence for happiness and inner contentment, but when you look at the news and at the upper echelon of society, all you see is brokenness. Suicide, corruption, overdoses. So many of these people are absolutely lost because, according to our world, they have it all, but they still feel empty.
Those of different beliefs. Who actually has the boldness to try to tell a Hindu immigrant in Queens, New York that they believe the wrong thing? A question that has always crossed my mind is, "What happens to the people who devote themselves entirely to a different God and live good lives and are so diligent in their religious duties but never hear of Jesus? Who am I to tell them they're wrong?"
I've known I want to live in New York nearly my entire life. I went through phases of wanting to be a writer in New York, a journalist in New York, an artist in New York and now a fashion designer in New York. All different paths with the same geographic endpoint. This weekend I realized that New York is my mission field. With a career in the fashion industry, a culture so consumed by negativity and the materialistic world, I am able to reach so many people in the upper class. I am able to influence the influential. And to realize that my passions, my dreams and my desires are not in vain seems to be a miracle as big as the resurrection of Jesus Himself!
Hear me out. Our talents are not our own. Our days are not our own. Our successes are not our own. We are not our own, and OUR TALENTS ARE NOT IN VAIN.
The abilities God blesses each of us with are to do nothing more than better his kingdom. And for light to have finally shone on the thing I have been most searching for, a way to glorify God through a career in design, leaves me speechless.
The day after Motion, I was up at 5 am reading my daily devotion. And what do I know, the August 2nd devotion was centered on the creative people of the world. In the book of Exodus, God appoints numerous people to create for him. He blesses them specifically with knowledge, wisdom, creativity and artistic ability to create for his glory. Proverbs 31 speaks of a woman who selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. I realized that morning that my earlier selfish ambition led me to my mission field. The process of being future-obsessed, career-focused, and in love with the idea of the people of upper class New York glorifying me led me to my calling to make New York City my mission field.
A woman named Christine Caine spoke at the conference for one of the sessions, and I wish I could just write down the quotes of absolute wisdom that this woman embedded into the minds of eleven thousand students. She spoke of staying in the darkroom, letting God develop our hearts and transform us before we can be appointed for what he has already anointed us for. This weekend I witnessed THOUSANDS of young people write down their calling and vow to stand on it. I watched eleven thousand young people lift their hands in worship. I danced with eleven thousand young people to the joy and peace given by the love of Jesus.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE. The Wednesday after Motion, Sarah and I attended the First Wednesday service at Church of the Highlands, and the speaker, John Maxwell, blew my mind once again. When he first started speaking, I sank into my chair, thinking, "Great, this guy's voice irritates me and I really don't want to listen to it for the next hour." But John, I came to learn, is an incredibly successful business man and leader in the secular world, and his entire message was centered around being intentional with our faith. He told his story of being a pastor for 25 years and realizing one day that he is called to reach the people who don't turn to church in the hard times because those who really need God don't seek God. He was called to minister to the secular business world, to people who run from God instead of to Him. About halfway through the sermon, Sarah leaned over and said, "You know this guy is basically speaking over your entire life, right?" And I was enthralled. I have no doubt in my mind that God had brought me to Highlands that night to reaffirm the calling on my heart that says I don't have to be a pastor or a missionary to minister to God's people. It was mind-blowing. John Maxwell is a highly admired business leader who people constantly seek the advice of, and he interests them to the point that they are begging to hear where he gets his secrets to success: the Bible and the love of Jesus. And who's to say that I can't do that in the fashion world?
There is more to this life than selfish ambition. There is more to this life than your career and glorifying your own successes. There is a peace that settles in us when we realize that "God has plucked us out of eternity, positioned us in time, and given us gifts and talents to serve him in this generation" (one of the many beautiful quotes by Christine). An arena full of thousands worshiping our Savior looked like the exact opposite of what I initially thought it would: it looked like a generation approaching a revival that can turn this world around for good. We are out to change things. We are out to love and to speak life into people everywhere from the poorest villages to the richest social classes. We have to realize that our callings take time, and that God must forge His heart in us so that we may be able to carry out our full potential in Him, but oh how wonderful we can be if we just stay in the darkroom for a little while.
