One of the best decisions I made at the closing year(s) of high school was to keep a notebook of thoughts, letters and devotions for my mom. This was something I started in the spring of my junior year on the night my grandmother was hospitalized. We were told around midnight that she would likely be passing soon, and it was incredibly devastating for my family because of how tightly knit we all are. Spending the night at Trinity hospital, I sat in the waiting room floor with my Bible and the notebook my grandmother had given me, doing devotion after devotion about hope and having peace and trusting God and nearly anything else you can think of.
She stayed with us until April when she passed away on her 70th birthday, and I decided then that I would use that notebook as a graduation gift to my mom the following May, filling it with my senior year.
At first I would only write my devotions and little side notes in the margins, but eventually it became something I used to write my mom letters and tell her about what was going on in our lives at that time. I wrote to her when I was stressing about school or college, if I was upset about bumpy friendships or pesky boy problems, if something great happened, and even apologized to her if we were arguing at that time. And finally, as graduation was just around the corner, I thanked her for everything she had done the past nearly eighteen years and tried to put into words how appreciative I am.
The book was not finished on graduation day, so I gave it to her for her birthday on June 2nd. Yes, she cried.
As she read page after page at night before bed, she told me she would cry and laugh and shake her head at our arguments, struggles and exciting events we had experienced that year. She would often call me upstairs and we would read parts together. Once she had finished it, she told me it was my turn to read it over.
On a humid July afternoon, I sat in our hammock for hours reading and reliving everything I wrote about. What I found most interesting as I went through the book (which is also my point in this post) was how often I wrote about feeling distant from God. A friend once told me junior year, the time I grew strongest in my spirituality, that feeling a distance from Him is inevitable-- that it is difficult and frustrating and creates an unbearable feeling of loneliness-- but will eventually make you stronger. At the time I was so on fire for Christianity and devoted to church and reading my daily Scripture, that I thought it could never happen to me. I thought, There's no way I could ever feel far from God; He's here all the time and I can feel His Presence every day.
I tell you here and now that it's not true. Distance is inevitable. It's something we must personally struggle through to find ourselves, and God, again.
Now, however, as I prepare to embark on the biggest journey of life so far, I feel stronger than ever. I do not fear and I do not stress, and I am more at peace with myself and everything around me as ever before.
I suppose my point here is to encourage those of you who are in a time of distance, a time of closeness, or even are at a time of neutrality that doesn't include God at all. Be patient. Pray as much as you can, even when you think nobody is listening. And whatever you do, don't give up. Closeness is never far off, you just have to look harder for it sometimes.
Love it :)
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